Still here...

10th January 2023

First words of this, my blog, and of the year. 

I've mused over doing a blog of some kind for a while now and had intended to begin on the 1st of January, but life got in the way - as it does and the details of which I'll likely go into as we progress through this. Then again, I may not; my writing tends to drift and tangents will be common. 

So, why do a blog? 

I suppose I'm feeling reflective a lot lately and like most of us, I enjoy the flashbacks that come from Facebook's memories that appear daily with reminders of events from last year or years before. Our family photo album from Amazon and Google does the same thing with snippets of Imagery or rather your history, and its every day. I like it a lot. I dont know how healthy it is to constantly/daily be forced to look back at one's life, but it's only usually good stuff - it's pictures, videos or thoughts you have wanted to share or capture. 

This blog however, will be quite different and intentionally more personal. It is intended to be a tad more detailed and include more of my thoughts. I hope to post several times a week - I almost committed to daily, but I know myself too well and there'll be too many days where I procrastinate like a pro. 

Some/most of you reading this will know me and what's been going on for the last 5 and a half years and I'm going to use this 'portal' as a means of talking a bit more about what's going on, as it's going on. Mainly for me but also for others who may find it helpful or informative or, I don't know, but I do know I've always found it helpful to read other's stories and sometimes uplifting. 

Another purpose of putting my voice on paper (a pretty big one, to be fair) is for my family; my wife, my kids, my Mam and Dad, my siblings, my friends. At some point my journey with cancer will end and leaving behind nothing but pictures or flashbacks of whatever from Facebook etc. is a smidge shallow. I hope some day they, whoever that may be, may reread and still hear my voice through these words. 

What it won't be.

I can't, and have never ever really been able to, take shit too seriously. So, this won't be a dark place to be and hang about. It won't be (fingers crossed) too depressing. 'Every cloud...' n that. 

So what's happened so far this year? 🤔 

Happy New Year! Merry Christmas! 

I dont think I posted the above at New year or Christmas. My apologies. 

Christmas was wonderful and relaxed. My amazing wife, Rebecca, did her usual magic with the food - turkey was placed in a newly purchased large tub with a potion of wierd herbs, spices, fruit, onions, garlic and other stuff that makes it taste magical 3 days later for dinner. The gammon gets a similar treatment stolen from a book out of Hogwarts - might have been Nigella Lawson. 

The highlight on Christmas morning for me was putting together my daughter, Lily's, desk. Not just any old desk - an art desk. It has a large flip up area like I remember having in art lessons at school. She loves it. Mind, you can't tell she loves it from the stains already on it or the explosion of crap in and around.

I get great satisfaction from putting stuff together. Honestly, if I could afford to and it was a viable option, I'd just put ikea furniture together all day...every day. Imagine that as a job? Ahhh, one can dream. Anyway, putting the kids stuff together is peak satisfaction for me - be it lego, huge barbie houses, Go-karts, pedal bikes, the list is endless, but the joy is immense. I'm going to miss it. This year felt like the last time for two reasons: 

1. As sad as it is, that may have been my last Christmas. 

2. All of my kids are now of an age where their Christmas present piles shrink to bundles and bikes, toy kitchens etc are things in the past. Lily, who is now 10, is now at a point where make-up and clothes seem to be gaining more prominence in her radar. 

So yeah, I'm going to miss putting stuff together for them. It does make me quite sad that.

I've some really fond memories of underestimating how long some of them would take. A pink kitchen we (Santa ) got her one year was a particularly time consuming affair. If I remember rightly, It took about 3 hours. Now, bare in mind you can't start until you're 100% sure the little shits/cherubs have definitely fell asleep and not going to come down again for another drink or one last cuddle. 3am I finished that one. Loved it! The pride I felt was awesome. I felt like a master carpenter. A craftsmen of the highest order. Yeah, I know it's mostly a doddle to do and push click stuff, but I can't be alone in that sense of achievement when doing anything like that. 

New Year was a quiet one for us. It usually is and that's how we like it. We were planning on going to our local Cricket club (more on this place as the blog goes - great place) for a New Year's party, but I wasn't quite able to due to chemo and the growing cocktail of drugs I'm now on. Which was a shame, but on reflection, Rebecca was right, I'd have been pretty useless by about 9pm. 

Chemo:

Yurp, back on it. The poison that keeps on giving. I'm on my second round now. 3 weeks of chemotherapy then one week of reprieve followed by another round and then another. And so it goes until a scan dictates whether it's working at all, a bit or been a success in terms of stalling it, shrinking it a bit, or absolutely kicking the blistering shit out of it. One always hopes for the latter. 

A scan in November showed quite a bit of progression of my cancer. It's still growing at the original site near my pancreas (what's left of it) and in my sternum area, but now in my liver and a spot of the bastard has taken root in my right lung. I dont feel any difference yet in my breathing or discomfort. My liver however, that is being a complete dick. Quite a bit of discomfort and pain from that slippery shit. 

The main site of my cancer is wrapped around veins, arteries and nerves. This interaction it has with the nerves means it triggers pains in my lower back at a constant level of discomfort/pain. It's not too bad. You get used to it. It's like background noise in a way, you just have it and it's there. Wierd. Mind, it also causes what they call 'breakthrough' pain, which is a spike of intense pain that can last for a bit or for what feels like ages. 

I'm on background, slow release, morphine which (kinda) takes care of the constant niggles and pains, and also have oral doses I can take when I get the big jabs and spikes. 

Right, that'll about do for today. I haven't covered too much and loads of things could be covered but I reckon if I dip in regularly, it'll fatten things out a bit as we go.

Next portion will include Rebecca's birthday and our poorly Milo. 

I make no excuses for the quality of my writing. It'll be cack at times or not too bad at others. I'm okay with that. It's almost 'stream of consciousness' writing. From the 'horses mouth' as it 

'