Still here....7

Tuesday of this week saw me have a CT scan. I haven't got a date for the results appointment yet but they're usually about a week or two after the scan. 

'Scanxiety' is a word I heard from a fellow cancer patient some time ago and referred to their fears and build up of anxiety prior to having a scan. I'm pretty sure I didn't get 'scanxiety' at the time or prior to hearing it, but it made sense, I understood what it meant to them and sympathised.

It reminded me of the 'Smondays', which was a word used by some staff at Castle View when I worked there. That feeling on a Sunday night where panic and doubt sets in and you question everything you've done in preparation for the days and week ahead. Then panic more and sprinkle some stress over it all for flavour. That, I used to get. It ruined whole weekends, not just the Sunday evening. *I need to return to this at some point, so please remind me.*

The scanxiety feeling stayed away for years, even after countless scans and results that were never really favourable. I'm pretty good at floating through such things. It'll be what it'll be, is my approach. I can't change results through worrying. In the same way I can't change them by praying, so it's pointless - crack on with everything else until you know. Do life. 

Last weeks scan was dealt with in the same way - not a conscious effort, I just did it and carried on with my day. Weirdly, it's starting to kick in. Little forward thoughts to a meeting that hasn't happened. I have had scanxiety before and I'm not sure why it happens on some occasions and not others, but it does and did. It's a tricky one to think about too much. Why do we get more freaked out or anxious/stressed in one instance and not in another? I mean if the circumstances are nigh on the same. I dont have an answer...not really. Maybe (this has literally just popped in my head) we need to feel that pang of anxiety from time to time. Maybe the brain is letting me know that it's okay to freak out a bit from time to time - which I agree with. Who knows?

So it's creeping in a bit like a slow tide. Small laps of 'what if...? A slow ebb and flow of, well, a multitude of possibilities and all seeking their moment in the spotlight of my consideration. 

I get that everyone does this and everyone bounces between a few of the potentials before landing in amongst them wherever their brain feels is appropriate. So, without much interference from me on a conscious level, my thoughts go from "could be worse" all the way along the line, passing varying degrees of "could be worse" until I get to "shit, that's bad" and then consider it at length, disregard it as unlikely because the worst case scenario is rare. Thoughts then bungee back along the track and perch somewhere amongst the "could be worse" and others I've made up like, "you never know" and "I've had worse". 😉

This time though, it's kinda creeping towards the heavier end of the scale. I'm not in a dark place or depressed; it may just be one of those occasions where my head has decided to go that way this time. 

And we're back at the 'No news is good news' for now. 

Let's crack on with non - cancer related stuff. 

Oooh, I'll get back to the comment I made above about 'SMondays'. Thanks for reminding me. 

Any of you ever have some incident(s) in your life that you let slide or allowed yourself to not deal with they way you wish had done? In my case, its something that I thought I didn't care about at all, but I obviously do because it's sitting there now trying to hit the page with a bit of a sneer. It's one I should have dealt with differently and better, but mainly more in defense of myself as it happened.

That word SMonday made sense to me the first time I heard it. I only ever felt it in teaching. In fact, I only ever felt it when teaching under certain conditions. I'm perhaps being a tad vague there and for the moment I'll remain so. See, I'd have to give details and they'd know who they were and I might feel bad - unlikely, but I might feel bad about not feeling bad. I can't even say they were awful people, which would be easier. Actually, they were awful. See, I was trying to be nice there, but honestly, some people are just awful people. Yup, and in some instances, they were feckin terrible human beings. 

Let's weigh it up for a second...

Hmm...🤔

It is my blog 'n' that...🫠

I can say what I want, really...

Pretty sure they're still dicks, so...😋

It's good to be honest, isn't it?

Bollocks it.

The 'SMondays' were for me a direct result of shitty people being shitty leaders. Often promoted beyond their capabilities which resulted in their shitty ways as managers/leaders/heads of department. Allow me to elaborate 😘

Teaching is the toughest job I've had, both mentally and physically. The pressures are immense at times, but a lot of that comes from oneself - teachers (good ones) will always be reflecting on their lessons and scrutinising themselves to improve. 

However, the additional, and unnecessary, pressures have come from leaders who misunderstood their titles. Leaders should lead, not give orders without substance. *I feel this developing into a rant now*

I know all of us have looked at a manager or supervisor and thought, "How the furk did you get that job?". I have, numerous times and it's not jealousy or envy, it's genuine surprise at how they managed to get the job given how, *pick one (or more) of following*, useless/incompetent/thick/parasitic/sycophantic/narcissistic they are. 

Two HODs (Heads of Department) are specifically who caused me the greatest amount of pressure and stress. 

The first one, and my first ever HOD, almost made me quit teaching in my first 6 months. 

I left University qualified and excited and brimming with confidence and ideas and just ready to give it my best. I still had that imposter syndrome lurking around but figured I'd never shake it off anyway. The HOD was also supposed to be my mentor and coach. The person to lead me through my newly qualified teacher year. Well, to keep this short and less boring, she was a dick. Completely absent from my year of teaching unless it was a scowling "this isn't done" or "you haven't done it the way I said" etc. Just awful and mean and had full control over whether I passed that year, so I had to appease play nice. T

The good bit: 

Before I left for life outside of teaching, I got to see her 'found out' as it were. Removed as HOD as they realised she was more than a but cack, pushed to one side and gathering dust in a forgotten corner of the school. Oh, and she also managed to highlight to those above she'd taken my stuff and pasted her name on it, not realising that windows logs original author names...me. hehee 😁 Little wins.

The second one was the final straw that saw me actually leave teaching and work at HMRC. To be fair to this one, they weren't the reason, but did make me feel like leaving wasn't a terrible idea. They hadn't been anywhere near as bad as number one HOD, I mean, still shit at being a leader and shitty as a person generally; just kinda tolerable and forgettable as a person. They knew the details and admin of the job, which was a plus, but were, again, terrible leaders. 

********************

Ending this here as we've had thr scan results and it's going to a blog on its own. 

Stay golden, you wonderful people.

Remember...

Sometimes people are dicks and really don't deserve your time or second chances. 

That thing you're thinking about doing...do that now.

Support the strikers. Support your fellow workers. Never vote Tory. 😊